Dating Advice: Love, Pain, Healing
If you’re over the age of 13, you’ve been “burned.” Both men and women do things to one another that hurt, sometimes “on purpose” sometimes “accidentally.” When this happens remember: if you want to find deep love you have to take risks. You have to be willing to trust, you have to be willing to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. But do so, wisely.
The Truth About Trust
When people battle with trust, it’s really a battle with trusting themselves. When you have been hurt, trusting you will make good decisions and trusting you will not get yourself hurt again can be incredibly hard. This is different from when your gut is telling you someone is not trust worthy. Don’t be afraid to listen to your Spidey senses, but it takes healing for you to trust your instincts again and be confident that your Spidey sense is actually there. When you are working to rebuild trusting yourself ask yourself if it is fear that is holding you back or your Spidey senses.
What’s Your Role In This?
One thing that saddens me is singles coming to me, or equally posting on social media, and revealing their hurt and pain they are trying to find their way through and living with an outpouring of bitterness and negativity from it. One of the most important things is honoring that pain and working through it BUT not letting that pain become a reason to live in bitterness and negativity. What you speak/think/type/feel all have vibrations that attract, as well as repel, people. You attract people with the same “vibes” that you put out there. That is why you see/hear me talk a lot about energy, positivity, and really being aware of what you put out there because it has a rippling effect.
I may sound like an ass saying this, but… at a certain point if you keep having the same relationship over and over again, or keep attracting the same kind of person, there is ONE common denominator in all of those: “you.” That’s a hard nugget to swallow, but if you are seeing a pattern you don’t like in your dating life then you have to focus on identifying why this is happening. Is there something inside of you that needs to be worked on, where do you need to grow, is there a behavior pattern or cycle you need to break? The harsh reality is there are some amazingly shitty people out there BUT there are far more authentic and beautiful people out there… its simply a function of what are you doing to put yourself in the best position possible to attract the healthy singles.
I know sometimes when I speak it seems that I’m “spitting sunshine” but I’m a very positive, energetic, optimistic, sunshine-y person. That’s not saying I haven’t had my heart ripped out and steam rolled (a couple times even) but I will tell you, even in those times when I thought OMG I am going to die from this hurt, never once did I embrace bitterness. Scared and afraid? Hell, YES! Struggle with trust immediately after? Absolutely! But what I want for my life, what I value in me, and the true beauty I see in the world I have never allowed to be tarnished by bitterness from someone else’s actions.
I believe when you let fear, bitterness, or negativity into your life for too long, it comes to control you and steals your joy, happiness, and ultimately the life you desire to live. It’s not the person who hurt you doing this, they are gone. They and others become the excuse for you to cede responsibility for how you are living your life and what you are or are not doing with your life.
I leave you with this…
Healing/dating/finding the right person/love/relationships all take time. Being self aware, doing the work to heal, taking the risks to try something new or different, growing outside of your comfort zone, and opening your mind and heart all take time, patience, and practice. First find true self love, happiness, joy, and living for yourself, then invite others into your life. Far too often we try to do it in reverse and that rarely allows us to addresses the deeper issues.
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